WE NEED EACH OTHER

As we started our 27-person monthly Zoom “Creative Ideas” meet-up, our long-time leader said, “My South African friend is teaching me about Ubuntu, translated as, “I am because we are,” which speaks to our interconnectedness. Kindness, generosity, and community well-being are keys to a heartful life. We are meant to help each other, to treat each other with respect and dignity. Ubuntu.”

Then, as in all meetings, our leader repeated our guidelines. “They are the same as Ubuntu: kindness, generosity, compassion, non-judging. As always, we’ll honor them. We’ll also honor the great civil rights leader, Jesse Jackson who said, ‘Never look down on anybody unless you are lifting him up.’ He meant lifting everyone. Tonight, we’ll focus on Jesse Jackson’s wisdom: ‘It’s time for us to turn to each other, not on each other,’ and ‘We must learn how to live together …to co-exist and not to co-annihilate.’ Now we’ll gather in break-out rooms for this question: How do you live these ideals day-to-day, moment-to-moment?”

Ideas flowed in our group of five: “Look for goodness.” “Keep returning to the heart.” “Be a loving voice.” “See divinity in people.”

Big questions also arose: what do we do when threatened or bullied? How do we tend our hearts if we live in systems shaped by bias and hate?

We paused with the weight of these matters, feeling the heaviness. Our small and newly-trained group facilitator seemed nervous with our silence. Her fingers fidgeted. Her eyes darted around. She blurted, “OK, let’s check in. How’s everyone doing?”

No response. Without waiting, she exclaimed, “My 15-year-old will NOT do his homework! Teenagers are the WORST! They complain. They moan about how unfair life is. Teenagers are tough.”

A cascade of voices erupted. “My 13-year-old, too.” “My 18-year-old has no idea about work.” “I tell my son and daughter to study, but they’re glued to their phones.” “Just lazy.” The chorus crescendoed.

My gut clenched.  My throat dried. I thought, and wanted to say that, perhaps non-judging is not so easy, and that therefore Ubuntu is more than an ideal or a longing, but rather a steady training. I wanted to remind us about kindness, generosity, compassion. I wanted to say something about lifting up. But my body felt stuck, unable to speak. So, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wondered why I wouldn’t defend my values and those of the group. I wondered why we turn on people. Does heartlessness arise from group think? How do we hold heartfulness, when loud voices hold a different view?

Then my friend Jean spoke her truth alone, “My teens are good kids.”

The group quieted. I thought, “THIS is seeing divinity in people. THIS is generosity offered from our own divinity. To be the first, THIS is courage, from the French word, coeur, heart.”

Yet, Jean’s solo daring reminded me that to live Ubuntu, as if it’s a verb, as if it calls for actions, might require repeated and focused practice. And maybe, to direct or redirect us toward kindness, we also need role models. We need a “we” because our best intentions can dissolve under the force of peer pressure if we don’t feel held in community.

No longer alone in dissent, and emboldened by Jean’s bravery, I started, “The teens……” After those few words, a cue flashed on our screens: Now join the big group.

But respect felt crucial. So, companioned by Jean and from my own heart, I hurried, “The teens I know are the best!!” And then, click, we landed in the large screen.

Perhaps the confidence to make caring choices rests in the medicine of empowering, empathic social connections. Safe spaces help us stay kind when feeling alone in the midst of unkindness. When we feel the grace of tender human bonds, we enjoy the gentling of being met, seen and lifted up. But how do we shift from shutdown to fearless opening? How do we change? How do we find courage? We need support. We need teachers. We need practice. We need each other. Ubuntu is South African. Yet its call to Coeur has no borders. Perhaps its inspiration can bolster us here and now. Perhaps Ubuntu is invitation.